Transformative Lessons from Human Design Analysis
It’s been a while since I last posted. I hope everyone still remembers me.
This period has been a dark time in my life, but also a time of settling and recovery.
In the most difficult moments, there are good friends who cared for and supported me.
Necessary information, such as books would always suddenly appear and be found.
There were many, countless ‘whys’ in my mind, and I finally found answers.
These are not questions that can be explained or answered through logic or thinking.
Even the most basic question of ‘why did I come to London’, I couldn’t answer for a long time.
And for life’s big questions,
‘Who am I?’, ‘What’s the meaning of life?’, ‘Why has life brought me so many hardships and experiences?’
‘Why do I always feel myself so different from others?’, ‘Why do I always feel like I don’t belong here?’, and so on,
It’s only recently that I’ve found the answers.
I’ve read countless books, taken many courses, and experienced quite a few disasters in life.
After experiencing various profound events, I now calmly accept my fate.
Compared to before, I’m now better able to ‘be honest with myself’.
The good and the bad are all part of me. Good and bad things are all part of life’s script.
When I could no longer bear it and was almost unable to go on living, he would appear in my dreams.
We didn’t have a conversation. But the message he brought was a lot of invisible support and encouragement.
He was always so warm and gentle, such a wonderful person, but he could not be found in this world anymore.
He’s now a spirit, unable to do anything. But he still comes out, as if to tell and comfort me that I’ll be alright.
There are very few people or things in this world that I’m attached to.
Only his matters, after many years, I still can’t let go. But it’s time to let go.
He’s not far from me. We’re like friends separated by distance, just saying goodbye temporarily, and we’ll meet again.
During this period of ‘finding myself’, I’ve been constantly learning about Human Design and Gene Keys,
while also looking at many people’s Human Design charts (I prefer the term ‘Birth chart’, but Human Design is easier to understand).
Including my own, people I know, and the Human Design chart of the founder Ra Uru Hu, I’ve done research and very in-depth analysis.
The level of enthusiasm surpasses my previous research and establishment of stock selection and screening system.
Because I clearly felt that if I couldn’t figure it out and find the answers, I probably couldn’t go on living. It was the only tool that could save my life.
At that time, I had lost myself and couldn’t find a reason to live.
Unlike general Human Design readings, such as definition, inner authority, channels, incarnation cross,
I based on Richard Rudd’s (Ra Uru Hu’s disciple) Gene Keys, improved upon it, and created a unique, easy-to-understand Human Design reading method.
I discovered that everyone’s inner qualities, personality, life lessons, strengths and weaknesses are very helpful in understanding oneself.
Most crucially, I discovered the invisible connections between people.
In Japanese, it’s called ‘kizuna’, and in the Human Design system, it’s called ‘Fractal’ 1, meaning soul family.
We usually make ‘judgements’ about a person based on ‘common sense’ and ‘cognition’.
For example, whether they are good or bad, have a good temper or bad temper, are smart or stupid, and so on.
Not only do we do this to others, but we also do it to ourselves, we often criticise ourselves.
Many people’s inner selves lack confidence, and are even full of self-doubt.
Many people will find that we don’t really understand ourselves.
If our understanding of ourselves is limited, how can we understand others?
This is a very difficult thing. A person’s exterior and interior can be very different.
Through Human Design analysis, I analyse everyone’s genes, thus seeing inner, deep qualities.
I see another side of friends’ inner selves, different from what I see in daily interactions.
A side that even they don’t know about themselves.
For many people who have hurt me or been unkind to me, after analysing their Human Design charts, I can better understand and sympathise with them.
I’m just a human, not a god or Buddha.
Forgiving those who have deeply hurt you without reason is extremely rare in this world.
Understanding that ‘they have their own hardships behind their actions’,
With this understanding, forgiveness becomes easier.
It’s also very difficult for us to forgive ourselves for doing wrong, especially for kind people.
If we knew what was hidden behind ‘doing wrong’, what opportunities there were.
If we knew the reasons behind suffering, then many life tragedies and hardships could be avoided.
We could more easily accept ourselves, forgive ourselves, and reconcile with ourselves.
This is why we need to understand ourselves and understand others.
Later, I will open a ‘Human Design Reading Service’ for those who need it.
You don’t need to know your birth time, just your birth date and place, and I can read your Human Design chart and genes. This is my unique skill.
It’s currently in the trial phase, so it’s free.
After operating for a while, simple readings will still be free, but detailed readings will be charged.
Interested friends can leave a comment to sign up and reserve a spot XD
Reference:
- Fractal (Soul Family)
“Your fractal refers to those people you are destined to meet in this life.”
The Limitations of Traditional Astrology
During my journey to find a path for personal growth, I have tried many methods and tests. Traditional astrology didn’t work for me. Those astrological reports often categorise people into two groups: rich or poor, lucky or unlucky. They might suggest whether you have good relationships with others or not. Astrology is a kind of statistics, showing some of our tendencies and innate personality. However, it doesn’t offer me a solution in this way.
In Chinese Astrology, the solution (prediction) is something like, during certain years or time period, you will have good luck, so you can be more active during that time. While during certain years or periods, you will have a higher chance of bad luck, so you’d better be conservative at that time. Moreover, there are “Five Elements” each person belong to. You will have luck working in specific element-related industries and jobs, while you are weaker in others. It just gives me the sense that “my destiny is fixed”. My strengths are fixed in certain areas, and I’d better follow the advice and avoid something bad to get the best result, so that everything goes smoothly. I had this mindset for around ten years. This is because when I was told these instructions, I felt much more secure. I felt like I had figured out the problem and had a sense of direction. I believed the future would be much better, the situation would improve, as I had worked so hard and learnt so much.
However, finally, nothing came of it. I felt like I was cheated. I cannot deny that at the time when I needed a solid answer to minimise my anxiety, the above solution worked for me. It did work in short term. Also, the answers I got were through one-to-one consultation, tailored and specific to my situation. However, in the long term, it just doesn’t work. The difficult things kept happening. My life still felt ruined. I felt even more frustrated, as I did not find the solution and answer.
Can you use a wrong formula to get the correct answer? You cannot. That is the same principle. Can we use outer tools to make our inner world better? We cannot. I have tried so many methods that just focus on outer tools and techniques. It’s just like the story of “Akinori Kimura’s Miracle Apples” 1. He spent many years on how to plant apple trees without the use of insecticide. After many years of failure, he wanted to commit suicide on the mountain, because of harsh financial situation of his family. Suddenly on the mountain, he found an apple tree growing there. Without any insecticide, the apple tree grows well. Then he discovered the main core issue was the soil. In the past, he just worked on the things that above the soil, that’s why he failed. Starting from putting focusing point on the soil, he began to find success, finally grew “Miracle Apples”.
In the past, I was seeking a tool to explore and understand my outer world problems and solutions. After many years of trial and error, I know the root cause is an inner world problem. Once I found that the root cause was an inner world problem, I found the solution more quickly. The outer world problem looks complicated, I assume that, the inner world problem is also very complicated. However, out of my expectation, the inner world problems is far more simpler. There are specific patterns for inner world problems, and corresponding solutions to each problem. It is because I have a very rich life experience, lots of trials and error in my life. Therefore I can spot out these patterns easily, based on my comprehension and life experiences.
All these valuable knowledge, actually they come from the ancient wisdom of the I Ching. I am just an interpreter or translator, translating this learning and knowledge for ordinary people. So that we can apply this wisdom in our daily lives. The key is to apply the wisdom and knowledge. Otherwise, it will be just useless or inapplicable.
Reference:
1. Akinori Kimura’s MIRACLE APPLES (https://miracleapples.com/):
It is a true story of how an apple farmer worked for 10 years to find a way to grow apples without using any insecticide.
How Gene Keys help diagnose Personal Pain Points
Just as this world has day and night, we as human beings have strengths and weaknesses. While sunshine and daytime are generally preferred, and coldness and night-time are less welcomed, we have the same attitude towards our strengths and weaknesses.
If something brings more money or business, it is normally treated as a strength (or success), such as technical knowledge or skills. If something makes things worse or results in less money or business, it is treated as a weakness (or failure). In a word, success or failure is according to social norms, based on the standards of our society or culture, rather than from a personal perspective.
I never realised that success or failure is only a personal and subjective thing until I had gone through many success-failure cycles in my life. Many people know that when we are poor and unsuccessful, we feel unhappy and miserable. However, only a few of us who live quite well in other people’s eyes—such as being very rich, having a good job with a high salary, having a good partner, having a child, having good friends around us—seem to have everything good but still feel we are missing something, unhappy and miserable in our lives. We don’t have a feeling of fulfilment and we don’t enjoy our lives. And we don’t know how to handle this kind of feeling. We just hide from it, as this feeling is so horrible.
From a health perspective, if we feel certain pain in our body, we know that there may be sickness developing inside our body, so we will have a check-up or diagnosis to find out the problem or issue. You know many people are unwilling to see dentists even when they have tooth pain. So we often omit these signals that are given to us. Until one day, we finally face the signals, then start to know what is happening inside our body and with our health.
I clearly remember the moment when I received and read my Gene Keys report. It is just like a health check report, screening out what illnesses are present, what is happening in my life. It’s the same mood as when you receive a report from a doctor saying that you have cancer developing in your body. But different from a health check, what the Gene Keys report mentioned are my long-term known issues and problems. Once I saw them, I knew it was describing my condition, very specifically my conditions.
The Gene Keys report shows there are three main challenges in my life: addiction, frustration, and failure.
I was so shocked. These are my main sufferings and pain points, similar to my main mental or emotional sicknesses or illnesses. It is just as if a stranger suddenly knows your biggest suffering. Normally it is impossible, even your closest family and friends or yourself, don’t know what makes you feel miserable and suffer. But the report told me. It is because the report is based on astrology, using a person’s birth time to know a person’s true personality, strengths and weaknesses, a kind of track (or path) of our destiny.
I felt, for the first time ever in my life, that my own pain and suffering were understood. To be understood by this report (although this saying is quite strange) and to be understood by myself. And I had an immediate thought. As now I understand the root cause of my suffering, I am more confident of figuring out the solution. Just like when you get the diagnosis of an illness, you will be given the treatment for that illness.
Here I explain a little more about my three pain points: addiction, exhaustion, and failure.
Addiction: I’m very addicted to work, a workaholic during most of my lifetime. Also, I’m addicted to knowledge, having read lots of books and information. I don’t allow myself to stop or pause, to see how distracted I am by the outer world.
Exhaustion: As I keep trying hard to prove my own value, I’ve spent too much energy, time, and effort on things or people that aren’t really the most important to me. I was totally exhausted. I don’t have energy anymore to do something I really like, or that really makes me happy. I just burn myself out.
Failure: I have many challenges and difficulties in my life. Instead of feeling successful, I only feel I have many failures. Even though I have many successes in my life, the people who surround me only see and focus on the very occasional failures in my life. Also, I feel shame, guilt, and these destructive emotions during the trial and error process.
According to these three pain points, the report also provides three solutions: Invention, Resolve, and Preservation. Each term or wording in Gene Keys has a profound or specific meaning, though it takes some time for me to fully understand the meaning. While it’s okay, as long as I have found the key and map of my life, I don’t need to feel anxiety and worry anymore as I did previously.
Regaining Motivation After many Frustrations
I seem to have lost all my motivation and energy after many attempts at job hunting. The feeling inside me is just frustration. During this time, I followed my intuition and searched for the word “mission” in the eBook “The 64 Ways: Personal Contemplations on the Gene Keys”, written by Richard Rudd. To me, the books written by Richard Rudd are like the Bible, showing me direction for my life. I always gain profound insights from these books.
I found the following sentence from the book, which really motivates me:
I’m not so impressed by the impeccable saint.
I’m more impressed by the fallen saint who picks him/herself up after they’ve fallen, and still keeps their heart open.
Those who can fall and lift themselves back up again.
And the poem “If”, written by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
I have found that gaining insights and motivational slogans from someone you respect or truly believe, such as a teacher, can provide you with strong motivation.
My Journey through Astrology: From Purple Star to Gene Keys
I am interested in astrology, especially The Four Pillars of Destiny and Purple Star Astrology, the astrological systems from China. To me, they are a compass, showing direction for my life. I experienced a slump ten years ago, at which time I lost direction in my life. I had a physical sickness, broke up with my boyfriend, and was jobless for some time. I went to see a master of Purple Star Astrology. During that session, the master said that I would become very rich in my life and would set up my own business. He gave me some suggestions, such as studying for a marketing diploma and shifting my career to the marketing field. What he said gave me much motivation. I took two marketing diploma courses in the evening, started to read lots of books, and looked for ideas and possibilities to set up my business. All the things I did were because I wanted a better life, I had already suffered enough.
Giving hope to people in difficult situations seems a good practice. However, this strategy only works for a while. Life is a very long and unpredictable journey, sometimes good things happen, but bad things happen too. Also, nothing is guaranteed. That master, like some coaches, wanted to motivate the client and give me direction. The problem is, when the client’s situation improves, they never see what the coach told them would be achieved. The good things that the Purple Star Astrology master mentioned to me, the biggest hope for me—to set up my own business—didn’t happen. He even told me the specific year, but nothing occurred. I was extremely disappointed. My destiny showed that there was a possibility and chance for me to have a richer life. I also worked so hard on it, studied a lot and tried to achieve it. I just don’t understand. If we use a real-life case, it’s just like your investment advisor finding an investment opportunity and advising you to invest, then you follow the instruction and earn some money. However, the best investment return mentioned never comes. Is it the fault of the investment advisor? Definitely not. What is wrong is the too strong expectation from me. While it was because of this strong expectation that it motivated me to move out of the last difficult period in my life.
I also studied information about human design charts, just to find some clues for my life. I had the intuition that the human design chart would bring some help to my situation. Because the human design chart system seems complicated, I searched online and found a specialist who provides a service writing human design chart reports for clients. The report was very long and took time to digest. While I still couldn’t understand some content of the report, I don’t know how to explain. It was just as if it was telling me something with lots of description at a surface level. However, that information wasn’t the key points or core perspective that I really needed or was interested in. I threw away the report finally and decided to write the human design report for myself.
I decided to do my own research and write my own report on Human Design Chart. It was only then that I realised that Human Design Chart is not that difficult. It is easy to find out the information because Human Design is very systematic and there are abundant resources on the internet. With the information I found online, I easily interpreted my own Human Design Chart and wrote ten sheets of A4 paper, all within a few days.
Although I had a clear and deeper understanding of the Human Design Chart, I always felt that I was still missing something, like I was stuck. By chance, I came across a YouTube video in early May 2024. The YouTuber introduced Gene Keys, which raised my interest. Gene Keys is an astrological system derived from Human Design Chart. So I searched for Gene Keys on Google and found the Gene Keys website. The website instruction is quite similar to Human Design Chart, anyone can download their own report by just entering their time of birth. So I immediately input my time of birth and got my own Gene Keys report.
Once I saw the report of Gene Keys, I felt like I was struck by lightning 
. I’m not exaggerating; that’s how I felt at that moment.
I will never forget that moment.
I know, I do know that I found it. I found the compass for my life, which will show me the correct direction.
The Dark Side of Wealth: Hidden Struggles of the Successful
Outside of my education, I read lots of books, many of them related to personal growth. I enjoy reading the success stories of famous entrepreneurs and investors. Even the stories of people who are not famous always catch my attention. Many people only see the bright side and overlook the failures and dark periods of successful individuals. While I understand that they have to encounter many failures before achieving success, I am really curious to know how they stand up again and what motivates them to fight back. Normally, books just mention certain events or situations, for example, that they met someone who showed them a solution, or that the situation suddenly improved—some kind of miracle that saved them from a really harsh situation. Even when these books mention the difficult periods in their lives, they rarely discuss their thoughts during those challenging times.
Behind this phenomenon are some reasons that seem rational to ordinary people:
- At that time, they were too busy handling the problem, so they did not keep any record.
- The harsh event has passed; there is no point in mentioning how they got through it.
- If we persist enough, we will be successful.
Regarding point 1, that is not possible. Everyone must remember the most difficult period in their life; for example, if you have a very serious illness and nearly die, you won’t forget about it. What we tend to forget easily are the happiest moments in our lives.
For point 2, that is not a proper reason. We can always learn from failure; that is why we achieve success. There is no point in not sharing how they faced and overcame those harsh periods.
For point 3, this is not entirely true for me, although it holds some truth in nature. Not everything we persist in will lead to success. Furthermore, this statement does not answer my question: how do successful people return to a normal situation from a failure situation?
Now I can tell you why. It is because successful people cannot explain how they recover from difficult situations, just as they cannot explain how they became successful.
If I use some famous stars or singers as examples, it becomes easier to understand. We don’t know why some stars or singers become very famous while others remain unknown despite their hard work. A similar case is when someone may encounter a serious illness despite maintaining a healthy diet and lifestyle.
The truth is that sometimes problems resolve suddenly. I don’t know why or how this happens, but it does occur. I think this reflects what they truly believe, it feels like a miracle. We call it a miracle because it seems not man-made, that is why I firmly believe most successful and wealthy individuals truly believe in God or another religious system. They have their own faith, and only with strong faith can one survive during very difficult periods in life.
When facing the media and asked about their factors for success or what encouraged them to fight back from bad situations, they cannot respond with “I don’t know why I became successful, it just happened.” Nor can they say, “I have no idea why the situation suddenly improved, perhaps because of God.” Instead, they repackage their experiences by saying, “Today I am successful because of the help from others or because I have worked very hard,” attributing their success or turnaround to these factors.
Even the richest and smartest people in this world cannot fully explain their journeys. In their minds, they may think it is destiny or related to God; events were simply preordained to happen. As a result, wealthy individuals often lack a sense of security regarding money—a fear that surpasses that of ordinary people. If you are an employee, your worry might be losing your job if your company closes down, at least you know where your income comes from and what affects it. However, if you are extremely wealthy and do not understand why you became rich—everything seems smooth—and you also do not comprehend why you previously failed when everything turned bad, it feels utterly uncontrollable. How do you feel? What would you do? The phenomenon is that while they are very rich, they genuinely fear losing all their money. Therefore, they tend to hoard their wealth and become stingy.
The richer you are, the darker your shadow becomes.
No one will tell you about this kind of thing. I know it from a book 1 and have only come to understand it well through my own personal experience.
Reference:
1. The Paradox of Success / When Winning At Work Means Losing At Life, by Author Masanori Kanda
depression diary 2
I have tried many methods in my life to be successful, both financially and in personal growth. I bought and read lots of books, being good at self-study, absorbing and applying knowledge from them. By spending seven years studying investment methods, plus having a certain amount of savings and using leverage, I earned quite a lot of money in a short time. However, due to the stock market crash, I also lost a huge amount of money very quickly. I was very patient and waited for the stock market to recover, luckily not incurring much loss from the investment. Unexpectedly, what happened was that my mental health crashed and totally broke down afterwards.
It’s hard to believe the hurt and pain I experienced from the mental breakdown. In my personal opinion, it was much worse than the hurt and pain I felt from the stock market drops. When the stock market dropped, I didn’t care much. This was quite true because I couldn’t control the stock market trend, whether it was going up or down, just like no one can control the weather. I believed the market would recover within a year, and finally, it did resume as per my expectation.
Mental breakdown is a totally different case. In that state, I couldn’t control my mood, emotions, or thoughts. I was desperate, depressed, in low mood, and had no motivation. I felt like all my energy had gone. I didn’t want to do anything. I could barely handle tasks and maintain my daily life at the minimum level. I didn’t even want to survive. All my past interests and hobbies—I don’t know why—I wasn’t interested in anymore. My social interactions dropped, although I knew a few people in London. People unconsciously apply their own mental self-defence strategies; for me, my strategy was “addiction” because I felt totally exhausted and found so many failures in my life. I started to play iPhone online games a lot to kill time, although I was still going through the job-hunting process, but just skimping or half-heartedly.
Except for playing online games, I tried to figure out how to solve my mental health problem, depression. It’s not an easy task. Nowadays, people don’t welcome and avoid negative persons, just like avoiding a virus. For people who become desperate, it’s like a patient in the last stage of cancer—no medicine can help for treatment. I started by reading books about depression, emotional healing, and spiritual healing.
Frankly speaking, I didn’t have any expectations. I had read lots of psychology and mental health books previously, but I still couldn’t solve my heart pain issue that occurred a few years ago. I had also tried seeing a mental health therapist. Yes, you feel a bit better after seeing the therapist, but it soon reverted to the previous status. When I arrived in London, after paying the high rent, I couldn’t afford to see a therapist. I registered for NHS mental health services; CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is the most effective one per my understanding, so I chose this approach instead of one-to-one consultation. The therapists I met were very nice, and the service did provide me some kind of support; however, my situation didn’t improve much.
People always provide a quick way or solution that seems to work, such as a seminar or workshop about the topic, to help others. To me, I never believed that after joining an interview skills seminar, I would suddenly know interview skills and get job offers. The human heart is complicated to comprehend. One’s mental condition is related to one’s beliefs, values, and thoughts, which lead to one’s actions and behaviours. Constructive beliefs bring constructive behaviours; destructive beliefs bring destructive behaviours. Yes, we can observe our behaviours and try to change them—that’s the basic rule of cognitive behavioural therapy. However, I felt much worse about myself. By recording and observing my behaviours (like “monitoring”), I found I couldn’t control my behaviours and thoughts. I already lacked energy, and it felt like using my last bit of energy to prove how little energy I had. The activities themselves became equated with me. If I was lazy, I felt guilty. If I didn’t perform well or meet others’ expectations, I also felt bad about myself. My feeling was that no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t meet other people’s or society’s expectations; my life kept failing as usual.
Job hunting in London is an extremely frustrating process. I was told to update my CV, keep applying for jobs, and improve my interview skills, then I might be able to get a job. But when you look at the job descriptions, it seems like you’re never able to fulfil the requirements. Even some internship jobs don’t provide any salary. The ads claim that you can learn some skills or grow through that job. If graduated students need solid working experience to get a job, then what’s the purpose of spending years on education? To me, the internship experience is like a modern version of slavery. You provide your time and effort for the employer, but in return get nothing. I even read some online articles saying that even internship opportunities need to be competed for, needing internship experience to exchange for another internship experience. This world is so cruel that the last generation, our parents, cannot imagine. In their generation, as long as you were willing to work, you could get a job. As long as you worked hard, you could get enough money to survive. However, the world has changed so rapidly that everything and all the rules have changed. However, the world has changed so rapidly that everything and all the rules have changed. If a person’s value is only proved by his or her job, then I cannot find my meaning in this world, as I am simply an unemployed person.
depression diary 1
I was lying on my bed, feeling the emptiness and void inside me. I had no intention or effort to do anything. I had lost the motivation to go outside or meet my friends. There were shops and restaurants in the street near me, yet those places seemed far away.
I wanted to return to a “normal life” for some time, but I kept failing. I had been unemployed for more than a year. After more than ten company interviews, I still hadn’t got any jobs. I had no money, felt lost and low in mood, but I needed to pretend to be “normal” and act as if my life was continuing. However, only I knew that my world had been paused and was stuck.
This wasn’t the first difficult time in my life. I had experienced many challenging periods. However, I thought this one was the toughest. Although many people said I was smart, this time I had no idea how to improve the situation. Even if I wanted to seek help, I didn’t know where to start. I had no religious belief. I had no family members here, as I had migrated from Hong Kong to London last year. My friends were good; sometimes they would have online meeting sessions with me. While they had their busy lives, even if they were willing to chat with me, we only had conversations about once a month, or even less frequently.
At this fragile moment in my life, sometimes the idea of suicide came to mind. I had bought travel insurance, thinking, “If I die, then I can get back the money in my MPF account (equivalent to a pension retirement account in the UK), and also get the claim from the insurance company, which could cover all the debts I have and give my family members money as compensation.”
Sometimes I just stared at the travel insurance receipt, as if it could remove my pain, help me leave this miserable world, and bring me some comfort. I had bought annual worldwide travel insurance, naively believing, “If I die during this year, my family members can claim the insurance.” But ironically, I wouldn’t be able to claim any money from this insurance even if I died, because I had been away from the departure country (Hong Kong) for too long. The insurance company had terms and conditions for the annual insurance, allowing only a maximum of 90 days per trip. I had been in the UK for one year, so my family members couldn’t get any claim even if I died.
I watched the figures and numbers in my bank account dropping. I had tried to get some help and support from the local authority. I had registered for job-seeking support. It was frustrating; after registration, you immediately received an email stating that the registration would be completed in two to three weeks’ time. However, it was better than nothing. I also registered for NHS mental health support. I think the response time varies for different organisations, but I thought the response I got was pretty fast, taking only a few days or a week to get some feedback.
I thought it would be better to have some people “monitor” me and my situation; that was the actual “insurance” for me. The people I met were nice and really wanted to help me. But my world had been smashed and completely broken down, and I really needed some time to organise myself and recover. I didn’t live with anyone, just by myself. I had rented a room in a three-room flat. Due to the high rental cost, I had thought of sharing my room with another person to reduce my burden. However, my friend knew that I was a very sensitive person, and at this fragile moment, she suggested it was better not to live with another person.
Later, the facts proved that her opinion was correct. In that situation, I couldn’t accept any irritations anymore. It was as if I were already in an emergency room. My life was at stake, but I didn’t have much feeling about it. I felt numb towards everything—my life, my job, the things I should do—it all seemed unrelated to me. The only feeling was grief; I cried a lot, almost every day. My emotions were out of control. I didn’t try to control my emotions because I had completely suppressed them for my whole life. I just let my emotions come out and release. As I was alone in this room with no job, it didn’t affect my work or bring any harm to anyone.
I didn’t know why I was grieving; the grief came without reason. Physically, I was healthy and had no sickness. I practised qigong exercises daily, had a healthy diet, and could sleep regularly for 8 hours a day without any issues. I hadn’t even caught COVID-19, thanks to my diet and exercise keeping me healthy. I finally realised that being physically healthy doesn’t mean a person is mentally healthy. Just like being very rich doesn’t mean a person is happy.